Take some responsibility, Part 1

I’d really love to meet Amanda Platell. It’s so rare that a journalist (eve one who works for the really mad newspapers like the Mail) will ever take on that biggest of British lobbies, the fat brigade.

Platell’s article (unlike most of those in the Mail) is well balanced (unlike most of the people she interviews in the article.) Her basic point: YES, Britain’s got too many fat people, but instead of hand-wringing over government help, shouldn’t we be encouraging them to understand it’s their problem?

She hears it time and time again on the streets of Fat City near Birmingham: we can’t do anything about it, we need government help, make that a cheque please.

One reason I don’t have much of a social conscience is that I’ve seen just how monumentally pathetic many people are. They’ll suck up taxpayer resources as fast as they hoover up a bag of chips, and it won’t do any good.

Listen up, fatties (as if); eating smart isn’t difficult. Here’s how to lose weight quickly without feeling hungry and reach something approaching a normal BMI in three months…. it takes twelve minutes a day.

1. Buy a £3 plastic steamer. This will last you a decade or more.

2. Go to the supermarket. It’s that big place next to the kebab shop.

3. Buy 5kg of potatoes, 5kg of carrots, 5kg of anything green. Also buy a really big jar of olive oil and as many different herb/pepper shakers (fresh would be better, but I know your limitations) as you can afford on your weekly dole cheque. You can even go for low-fat butter or veg oil butterlike stuff (you like butter.)

(As you stagger home with your 15kg load, realise that you’re carrying just a small part of the excess weight within your own body.)

4. Chop a handful of potatoes, a handful of carrots, and a handful of the green stuff into the steamer. Hold it under a running tap for a second, then shove it in the microwave for ten minutes.

5. Chuck the veg onto a plate, pour some olive oil over it, and shake one of the herb shakers over the lot, plus a bit of salt if you like. Then eat!

This huge and varied dinner has cost about a pound, and with today’s choice of vegetables and herbs, there’s no reason to get bored of it. You can stuff yourself silly, and in barely a month your clothes will be falling off.

Hey, working fatties who protest they don’t have time: nobody’s busier than me, but when I’m not travelling even I can afford twelve minutes to cook this dinner. And one thing you’ll find in every fat family’s kitchen is a microwave oven.

What’s the chance a fattie will actually do this? Zero. Because it’d require them to take some responsibility for their own lives, to defer a tiny bit of pleasure for just a short time. Which, of course, Britain’s fatties will never do.

Pathetic. But hey, Amanda – free for dinner on Wednesday?

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