What is that white stuff?

It happened again. With a simple hand gesture, a woman at Camden Food Co in St Pancras Station got a cup of that strange white substance that only women eat. What is that stuff? I’m mystified.

You may know what I’m talking about. It’s a glutinous white mass, served hot, that only women of a certain age ever seem to eat. Ladled out of an urn into a styrofoam cup, or made at home from a sort of packet of dried white stuff they mix with milk or water or something, it looks utterly bland and anonymous, yet millions of women seem to eat it regularly. Office women often keep it in office kitchens when preparing office lunches. Charlotte Rampling ate it in ‘Swimming Pool’. (Which sounds soggier that it was.)

Also intriguing is the way women acquire said white stuff. They never seem to ask for it by name, just wave towards the steaming pot and a (female) staff member nods knowingly and swings her ladle. There is never any overt order; the need is tacitly understood by women on both sides of the counter.

Now, the simplest thing would be to ask just what the hell is that white stuff. But my natural game gets in the way and I can’t put myself in the ‘uninformed’ position of not knowing what that fucking white stuff is; instead, I usually go for something mildly cheesy like “Aren’t you a bit young to be eating that stuff?” OK, St Pancras at 7am isn’t really the place, but I love the way women melt at receiving an unexpected compliment from a stranger, in addition to enjoying the audacity of saying it.

It’s an area of cuisine that seems totally off-limits to men: the giant urn containing the mysterious food-like substance isn’t even labelled.

What the hell is the big secret here? Does it induce orgasms or something and there’s some worldwide conspiracy to keep men from learning its true purpose?

Are the spas and gyms of London, offlimits to males, actually not full of aromatherapies and seaweed wraps at all, but in fact they’re gigantic subterreanean factories churning out millions of gallons of steaming white stuff?

Just what is that fucking white stuff?

I think we should be told.

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