She’ll be back

Just back from a London trip, visiting my parents overnight. And got a bit of a shock. I mean, you can understand your Mum forgetting to mention she’d had a new haircut or bought a new three-piece-suite – but discovering that in your absence she’s had her SKELETON upgraded?!!!

Yes, my Mum’s a CYBORG! Can’t leave that woman alone for five minutes! After being told her hip was on the way out, she decided to have a replacement hip put in (as if she was changing the fabric on the sofa) and didn’t tell me because “You were under pressure doing exams.”

I was under pressure? While she was having the bone from hip to knee sawn out by a surgeon and replaced with a steel girder?!! Did she think this was a MINOR thing? I mean, I’ve been moaning on the phone about how tough Corporate Finance was and how many hours I have to study. She was actually listening to this crap with HALF HER LEG ABOUT TO BE HACKED OFF?!!!

Whatever next? Next time I visit, will I be greeted at the door by a shiny-skulled metal monster, because she ‘neglected to tell me’ about the great special offer her insurance company was having on cranial implants? Will her arm spontaneously turn into a cutlass if I criticise her cheese on toast??!! Will her eyes glow an evil red while reading the Daily Mail? (Hang on, that’s ANY Daily Mail reader.) And as for the Terminator ‘It. Will. Never. Stop’ characteristic – well, she’s always been a bit tenacious about things.

I’m going to have to install a blast furnace in their garden shed in case she gets mad about anything. I just hope there’s nobody in her village called Connor.

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