Trading horses for courses

Starfire, I’m in a bubble of Beethoven and realising he was like me with greater talent. I’ve never felt so lost, so frustrated or at odds with the world.

Spent countless hours recently trying to grip seven equations – not for passing exams, but for their deeper meaning – and largely failing, even though I’m presenting the fuckers in a week. What the hell; nobody fails these exams who doesn’t deserve it, and I’m hardly among the losers. They won’t DARE flunk ME.

But outside the actual work, I’m still having a problem FEELING anything.

I thought coming to Warwick would answer some questions; it’s ended up raising new ones. What do I WANT? I know what I want day-to-day: the freedom of Route 66, the feel of a wild horse between my thighs across the Sahara, the joyous clanging of Beethoven’s 5th. Experiences. But experiences are momentary. What’s the larger narrative of this life?

I’ve had so many experiences, over so many years. A decade expatriating; another six as a lone wolf in London. Stood on the Great Wall with an orchestra; slept on hard sand in cold night deserts; watched Borobudur rise at dawn. Watched Cebes glitter in the darkness, eight hours a day. It’s been the best of all possible lives: wanting nothing, needing nobody, and answerable to no-one.

But it has a side-effect: you stop FEELING things. After touching the extremes, everyday life seems flat and colourless, especially now, when I’m spending this year amidst the textbooks and towers of a University. (I actually enjoy it here, but there’s no ACTION. I’m having to jump out of aeroplanes just to retain a will to live.)

I’ve met some great new people, but human beings have never been a priority for me. I’m just not a pack animal.

I suppose I’m trying to be answerable again, responsible for something, like a Ronin trying to find a new master. The Strong always looks for something to look after. Something to give his life meaning and purpose.

And when he has nothing to protect, he is truly Lost.

I’ve never felt so conflicted. So lost. I think I’ll go outside at midnight and watch the swans. The swans are the greatest couple I know. Swans are cool.

Always been so free, now wishing I’d been more chained.

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