"My boyfriend looks like the Elephant Man…"

“… and that was BEFORE the drugs test went wrong” – sorry, obvious joke based on the Evening Standard headline. Seriously though, adverse reactions on this scale are really, really weird, and statistically speaking it’s certain someone made a cock-up. If drugs make it into human trails they’ve already been tested to destruction on rats and monkeys, and even a mild headache or skin rash is regarded as a highly problematic outcome.

If these drugs have caused guys’ heads to swell up to four times normal size and vital organs to shut down, then it’s nothing to do with the drug: it’s human error. I’ll give you 100:1 odds that someone lost their concentration and got the concentration wrong by a factor of 100.

(That last sentence sounded quite good in my head, but somehow its pleasing conceptual symmetry doesn’t quite work on the page.)

Skiers sliding into oblivion

Skiing isn’t the safest way to spend your weekends – that’s sort of the point. Strapped to a plank or two, you’re momentarily looking death in the face, and as a result know a little more about what life is. But 50 in a single season? That’s a lot of cold bodies. Think I’ll stick to Triathlon; at least the dangers of swimming in Britain’s rivers and reservoirs are curable with a shot of drugs.