One of the trials about being a mature student is that you have to sit through meetings designed for teenagers on the Dos and Do-Nots of life on campus. Of course, there are far more Do-Nots than Dos, which creates the odd problem. (Basic psychology: if you tell people something they can’t do, a few of them will immediately go and do it.)
I ‘forgot’ about the first two such meetings, but the subwardens in my block are a determined duo. Not only did they knock on my door to case my face, but slipped a note under it later to make sure I’d attend the next ‘Orientation Session’! They’re more persistent than Jehovah’s Witnesses!!!
Well, such determination deserves rewards (note to JWs: this is NOT an invitation) so I decided to go to this one. (Ha ha, as if I had a choice.)
I already know both the subwardens – an affably handsome, startlingly young guy of generic Eastern European origin, and a girl who’s practically the dictionary definition of ‘Italian’. Both were at a party last Sunday. Life is getting interconnected.
They work well as a double act. The basic approach is this: Eastern European Guy will say something with earnest import, and Italian Poster Girl will then add an entertaining sexual frisson to it.
A typical exchange:
Eastern European guy: “We only allow guests in your room Fridays and Saturdays, so if you have a cousin, or a brother, or a sister visiting…”
Italian girl: “…or a boyfriend, or a girlfriend…”
There’s a LOOOOOOOOOONGGG monologue about Fire Safety, and the things that may set off the fire alarms accidentally.
What sets off the fire alarms accidentally is, apparently, everything under the sun.
Really, absolutely everything. No facet of human existence leaves Warwickshire smoke detectors in an unperturbed Budddha-like state of ‘just being’. Aerosols, steam from the bathroom, cooking with the kitchen door open, hot mugs of tea, drying your hair under the smoke detector, and I’m pretty sure they also mentioned ‘breathing and sleeping’ for good measure. All it takes is one grungy student farting for this building for every bell and whistle in the joint to start its banshee wail.
In such meetings my mind tends to wander and I occasionally cause the odd bit of mischief. Fortunately, I managed to stop myself chortling about how I’d like to test these theories (I think.) Hey, only three people came up to me afterwards and stated that if the fire alarms go off, they’ll know who did it!!!
Eastern European Guy continues. “We do have to evacuate every time there’s an alarm, so this is not comfortable in the middle of the night…”
Italian Poster Girl: “…or if you have a guest, and it is during whatever social activities you are engaging in during the night…”
No wonder this girl’s husband always looks tired in the morning.
After about 1000 years the Fire Safety lecture ends, and we move on to Guests.
They’re surprisingly cool about guests in this building. Not many student halls have a policy explicitly FAVOURING overnight guests; all they ask is that you note their names down on A Piece of Paper on the Kitchen Notice Board, put there specifically for this purpose. (I wonder what this is really for – do the subwardens keep a scorecard and play Who’s Had Who at the end of term party?)
Of course, it is Italian Poster Girl who clarifies my unspoken question.
Eastern European Guy: “We don’t really like term party, we prefer ‘quiet gathering’, so if you just note people’s names on the sheet 72 hours in advance…”
Italian Poster Girl: “Except the short-term ones, I mean like those random people you bring home from the Union, you don’t need to tell us those stories…”
At this point I really, REALLY want to butt in with “On the other hand, if anyone DOES want to tell those stories, I’ll listen!” but with superhuman effort I resist.
(Glad she narrowed it down to ‘random’ people. Any woman who comes back to my place has to be pretty ‘random’ as a basic personality trait.)
The lecture ends, and everyone scarpers. Even free coffee and coke isn’t enough to keep this gang around. Aside from the odd person testing out the fire alarms, I think Eastern European Guy and Italian Poster Girl are going to have a pretty easy year…
Posted on October 11, 2007
0